Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
HOW TO DATE LIKE A PRO
I've been thinking a lot about appropriate date wear recently. Maybe because I've been on about 4 dates in my life, or maybe because the idea of having a romantic dinner with somebody you don't really know fills me with a horror akin to the time my dad pulled one of my fillings out with a fork. True story. Anyway, this whole romance thing it sort of creeps me out. I mean, are we supposed to be all serious and eat our spaghetti really seriously and wear things which make boys think 'cor blimey this girl's got style AND class'?? That sounds pretty dull. So instead I've decided to write a short guide to the perfect LE BERT date outfits which I hope will help you during that horrible panic when all your clothes are in a pile on the floor and everything in your wardrobe seems to be velvet. Enjoy!
Step 1. Make your first date something a bit less formal, dinner is just way too intense. A coffee or a drink really near to your house will make you feel less freaked out and it means you can sit in bed singing Backstreet Boys to yourself for a good three hours before he arrives. 10 minutes before leaving put on a shirt with a big jumper over it, black tights and boots. If you must wear make-up (IF YOU MUST) make it just a bit of mascara because it's day and you don't want to look like your trying to cover up impetigo. Unless you are trying to cover up impetigo but if you are I would strongly recommend rescheduling your date. By leaving your outfit to the last minute you do risk a sudden STRESS panic and flap but by keeping things really simple it's gonna be difficult to mess up. Honest.
Step 2. The dinner date. Ok so you went for a coffee, he lent you a book, you watched a couple episodes of Ally Mcbeal blah blah blah, now it's time to get serious. OR IS IT. In the world of Le Bert it is never time to get serious. Avoid the dinner date like the plague, let it happen naturally. Meet at a gallery at 5pm and then suggest getting some food and a large glass of wine. Or a bottle (if he's paying). This way you won't have to do the really cringe saunter up when you meet at 8.45 in Soho and are wearing loads of weird net things piled on top of each other and some novelty socks. This gallery/dinner plan works with a pair of tight trousers (not jeans), some clumpy shoes and a big t-shirt. A long cardigan coat thing over the top will give it a boyish smartness and stop it being too much of a yawnfest. Don't forget jewellery which will dress it up a bit. Oh and no make up. EVER. Alright maybe a tiny bit of eyebrow pencil to make you look broody and clever. Although you're totally broody and clever already. x
Step 3. The 'Oh you're going to that night at Efes too? Well cool I guess I'll see you there'. This one's the most fun, you can get ready with your girls and exercise your PASHUN4FASHUN. Because there are going to be lots of people there you can get away with wearing something tight and exciting without this guy thinking you've made a massive effort just for him (NEVER MAKE AN EFFORT JUST FOR HIM). Obviously you're making a massive effort just for him. But anyway. In this case I fully advocate the supertight ankle length 90's spaghetti strap dress, but it's gotta be TIGHT. Like soup for dinner tight. Wear it with DM's or if you're feeling KRAZY a pair of beaten up trainers (think Working Girl, not Lily Allen). Alternatively you could get your legs out in a mid-thigh length skirt, tight long sleeve top and boots. Now you're allowed a bit of make-up, finally, mainly because it's quite fun to put on. However it's worth noting that in my book foundation, bronzer and blusher are never acceptable. I prefer to smudge a bit of Mac Cyber under my eyes so I look tired and ill or if I'm feeling really wild I might dab some on my lips too. I'm also a big fan of Barry M glitter gel which you can smear under your eyes and all over your face. And all over your crush's face. Raunchy.
Step 4. The break-up. Girls. Ally Mcbeal. Ice-Cream. Girls. Ally Mcbeal. Bagels. Wine. Ice-Cream. Ebay. Who needs boys anyway.
Step 1. Make your first date something a bit less formal, dinner is just way too intense. A coffee or a drink really near to your house will make you feel less freaked out and it means you can sit in bed singing Backstreet Boys to yourself for a good three hours before he arrives. 10 minutes before leaving put on a shirt with a big jumper over it, black tights and boots. If you must wear make-up (IF YOU MUST) make it just a bit of mascara because it's day and you don't want to look like your trying to cover up impetigo. Unless you are trying to cover up impetigo but if you are I would strongly recommend rescheduling your date. By leaving your outfit to the last minute you do risk a sudden STRESS panic and flap but by keeping things really simple it's gonna be difficult to mess up. Honest.
Step 2. The dinner date. Ok so you went for a coffee, he lent you a book, you watched a couple episodes of Ally Mcbeal blah blah blah, now it's time to get serious. OR IS IT. In the world of Le Bert it is never time to get serious. Avoid the dinner date like the plague, let it happen naturally. Meet at a gallery at 5pm and then suggest getting some food and a large glass of wine. Or a bottle (if he's paying). This way you won't have to do the really cringe saunter up when you meet at 8.45 in Soho and are wearing loads of weird net things piled on top of each other and some novelty socks. This gallery/dinner plan works with a pair of tight trousers (not jeans), some clumpy shoes and a big t-shirt. A long cardigan coat thing over the top will give it a boyish smartness and stop it being too much of a yawnfest. Don't forget jewellery which will dress it up a bit. Oh and no make up. EVER. Alright maybe a tiny bit of eyebrow pencil to make you look broody and clever. Although you're totally broody and clever already. x
Step 3. The 'Oh you're going to that night at Efes too? Well cool I guess I'll see you there'. This one's the most fun, you can get ready with your girls and exercise your PASHUN4FASHUN. Because there are going to be lots of people there you can get away with wearing something tight and exciting without this guy thinking you've made a massive effort just for him (NEVER MAKE AN EFFORT JUST FOR HIM). Obviously you're making a massive effort just for him. But anyway. In this case I fully advocate the supertight ankle length 90's spaghetti strap dress, but it's gotta be TIGHT. Like soup for dinner tight. Wear it with DM's or if you're feeling KRAZY a pair of beaten up trainers (think Working Girl, not Lily Allen). Alternatively you could get your legs out in a mid-thigh length skirt, tight long sleeve top and boots. Now you're allowed a bit of make-up, finally, mainly because it's quite fun to put on. However it's worth noting that in my book foundation, bronzer and blusher are never acceptable. I prefer to smudge a bit of Mac Cyber under my eyes so I look tired and ill or if I'm feeling really wild I might dab some on my lips too. I'm also a big fan of Barry M glitter gel which you can smear under your eyes and all over your face. And all over your crush's face. Raunchy.
Step 4. The break-up. Girls. Ally Mcbeal. Ice-Cream. Girls. Ally Mcbeal. Bagels. Wine. Ice-Cream. Ebay. Who needs boys anyway.
BERT NEEDS PIZZA
Today I'm wearing an Ashish t-shirt, Topshop trousers, Union Jack socks and DM loafers. I'm embracing my inner LAGER LOUT. PS I obviously don't vote BNP, I vote Labour so insult me about that instead if you need to.
Monday, August 29, 2011
COLLER AT YA GURL
Today I'm wearing a COS Jumper over a Meadham Kirchhoff for Topshop big t-shirt with a collar I bought in the South of France poking out. My socks are from Charing Cross Rd (hi tourist) and the DM's are second hand from Paris. Two things to note: 1. this is not my room, I do not have Bieber on my wall, 2. HOW MUCH DO THESE LOOK LIKE MY REAL EYES?! So bored today. Can you tell?
Sunday, August 28, 2011
S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y
Today I wore 3 euro teddy bear jeans from a Brocante in France, a 7 dollar top from Beacons and some shiny shiny second hand DM school shoes. And loads more jumpers cos it's FREEZING. I also got fired up on Ebay and spent all my remaining money on some shoes which were meant to be £8.99 but ended up cleaning my bank balance. No joke. I really hope I haven't got paid for that ASOS thing yet because that will be quite embarrassing. Anyway. Hope you all had a fun FRI/SAT. xxxxx
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
STORMY WEATHER
Thursday, August 25, 2011
HOW TO GET OVER A HANGOVER
I hope this helps some of you some time. I currently need help to get over a hangover of baileys, pina colada, vodka and kahlua. Ew. And I'm going out later to THE ALIBI. THE ALIBI. I had to say it twice. I really hope this works.
Step 1. Sleep as late as you possibly can and then lounge in bed for two more hours after you wake up. If you have work or school, don't go to work or school.
Step 2. Get up, you don't need to change out of your pyjamas just put on some boots or ugly trainers (Katy England gets away with it, why shouldn't we), and head to your nearest posh coffee shop.
Step 3. When ordering and waiting for your expensive delicious coffee flirt outrageously with the coffee making man (what are they called?). This will help recover any self confidence you may have lost the night before. Also you're probably still a bit drunk so you won't feel embarrassed. Try inviting them out with you that night, I don't know why. I did, I don't know why.
Step 4. Go and visit a friend and tell them all about your crazy night. They won't be interested and they'll keep asking you about the night you're going to later on. This will remind you to stop being so self obsessed and prepare yourself for next round of CRAZINESS. CRAZY. You can also complain to them about how rubbish you feel and you may receive some sympathy cuddles or food. Result.
Step 5. Go home and have a luxurious bath. If it's not luxurious then it wont work. While in the bath think about things like how much fun the ALIBI is and how many cool people you might meet and how you're going to introduce yourself to them. I think "..." is a great way to seem interested and disinterested at the same time. After your bath you are permitted 3 episodes of your favourite show. I chose Black Books, it was a hilarious, informative and unbelievable choice.
Step 6. Loudly sing sad ballads to yourself and slow dance in front of the mirror while cooking your dinner (it should be about 7pm by now). My favourites are 'From The Bottom of My Broken Heart' - Britney Spears, and 'Hard to Say I'm Sorry' - Chicago. Gradually build up the tempo of the songs until you hit Aretha Franklin level and you will be pumpin and ready to party!
Step 7. DO NOT GET BACK INTO BED. I got back into bed. Now I'm in bed. HELP.
Step 1. Sleep as late as you possibly can and then lounge in bed for two more hours after you wake up. If you have work or school, don't go to work or school.
Step 2. Get up, you don't need to change out of your pyjamas just put on some boots or ugly trainers (Katy England gets away with it, why shouldn't we), and head to your nearest posh coffee shop.
Step 3. When ordering and waiting for your expensive delicious coffee flirt outrageously with the coffee making man (what are they called?). This will help recover any self confidence you may have lost the night before. Also you're probably still a bit drunk so you won't feel embarrassed. Try inviting them out with you that night, I don't know why. I did, I don't know why.
Step 4. Go and visit a friend and tell them all about your crazy night. They won't be interested and they'll keep asking you about the night you're going to later on. This will remind you to stop being so self obsessed and prepare yourself for next round of CRAZINESS. CRAZY. You can also complain to them about how rubbish you feel and you may receive some sympathy cuddles or food. Result.
Step 5. Go home and have a luxurious bath. If it's not luxurious then it wont work. While in the bath think about things like how much fun the ALIBI is and how many cool people you might meet and how you're going to introduce yourself to them. I think "..." is a great way to seem interested and disinterested at the same time. After your bath you are permitted 3 episodes of your favourite show. I chose Black Books, it was a hilarious, informative and unbelievable choice.
Step 6. Loudly sing sad ballads to yourself and slow dance in front of the mirror while cooking your dinner (it should be about 7pm by now). My favourites are 'From The Bottom of My Broken Heart' - Britney Spears, and 'Hard to Say I'm Sorry' - Chicago. Gradually build up the tempo of the songs until you hit Aretha Franklin level and you will be pumpin and ready to party!
Step 7. DO NOT GET BACK INTO BED. I got back into bed. Now I'm in bed. HELP.
STUFF HAUL
I don't often buy stuff first hand cos it's way expensive but in response to a lovely comment I have picked out some stuff I would totally wear. Sorry I don't know how to make a collage or whatever. Love ya x
TROUSERS FROM DRESS MONSTER
SNAKE PIT ZARA
BLACK EMBROIDERED MAXI OH HI
I NEED TO SEE THE DR
NOOBALANCE
MYRRH NECKLACE
JIGSAW SHIRT
HAT HAT HAT !!!
TROUSERS FROM DRESS MONSTER
SNAKE PIT ZARA
BLACK EMBROIDERED MAXI OH HI
I NEED TO SEE THE DR
NOOBALANCE
MYRRH NECKLACE
JIGSAW SHIRT
HAT HAT HAT !!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
A LITTLE JAUNT WITH ASOS
I apologise in advance for pimping myself out to ASOS + Diet Coke but I really needed the money. Also Scott Trindle shot it and he did all those cool untouched no make-up shots recently. He was nice and a bit sleazy as all good photographers should be. As for the ASOS team, they weren't into me. Like, at all. SORRY GUYS!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
TRUTH OR MYRRH
Jokes aside, how long have you been looking for that perfect upper finger ring which actually fits on your hand and doesn't look too chunky or too dainty (serious issues). Seriously how long? Like, years? I feel like I've been looking for years. But now finally I think I might actually have found the perfect one. Calm down guys I know it's exciting. Mor, who designs Myrrh Jewelry in LA, not only understands the upper finger ring dilemma, she solves it for an affordable price. Online. Uh, amazing? That on it's own would be enough really, but as well as the ring she also makes vertebrae necklaces and hand bracelets which look so Queen of the Damned I'm considering getting my incisors filed into points and raiding the River Island stock room circa 2001. Check out her full collection HERE. Be warned, you will want everything.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
SWEAR ON MY LIFE
The Swear 10th anniversary celebration was a celebration of all things Swear which meant they obviously had the white pointy brogues. If it had been up to me the party would have been held in a gigantic white pointy brogue while indie heroes including members from all 1-2-3-4 bands would have walked around dressed as white pointy brogues handing out warm cans of Red Stripe to underage girls. Unfortunately this will have to remain a dream for me, but at least as consolation I got to hang out with my favourite crush (and Swear designer extraordinaire) Matthew Taylor while he swam around in a sea of cider and babes and compliments. I wore my spiky shoes and, apart from my mush-roomies, nobody came up and spoke to me which I think is probably appropriate and to be expected. A woman in Tesco did do a double take but I think she might just have been checking out my profiterole mountain.. x
FIRST AND FOREVER
Dr. Martens new campaign with Agyness is all moodiness and natural lighting and longing looks and lingering kisses. It's actually really not that bad though. I want the HAIRY shoes. Wow. Also ew how weird to see Agyness Deyn making out with someone who isn't the hot guy from The Paddingtons. Sure maybe she went out with Albert Hammond or whatever but that was never LOVE. Not indie love like Josh Paddington.
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